


Playground Revisited

by nilielh



Series: Playground [3]
Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Drama & Romance, First Time, Fluff and Smut, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:41:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26215039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nilielh/pseuds/nilielh
Summary: Five years should be long enough for anyone to forget their first love, their first heartbreak, which unfortunately for him is the same person. It should be enough, he thinks, but then he sees him again and every little thing he planned to get even had all but threw themselves out of the door the minute the other man walked in.
Relationships: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho, Ninomiya Kazunari/Ohno Satoshi
Series: Playground [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1288238
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Includes few interludes written and posted in between chapters.
> 
> This was Ohmiya's supposed 'first time' together.

His fingers hadn’t stopped shaking eversince he received the message from Ohno, saying he’d be at the station in half an hour. It would be the first time in five months that they would be seeing each other again (the last was on his birthday) and he swore he was getting increasingly antsy with every goddamn second that passed by.  
  
For one, it was the eve of Satoshi’s nineteenth birthday and he really, really wanted to give him something extra special this time, at least more special than keeping Satoshi’s company on a blasted boat for hours without actually dying and even more so than a pair of expensive rail and lure which he’d thought about buying for Satoshi from the money he was able to save during the past few months.  
  
 _Well, why don’t you give me something you haven’t yet_ , was what his stupid boyfriend/bestfriend said when he’d asked him a month ago what he preferred to receive for his birthday, his tone dripping with innuendos that had made his young and inexperienced heart (and dick) twitched in obvious agitation. It wasn’t to say he was that naïve not to know what Satoshi was referring to because he wasn’t, and for that, he had decided, _why the hell not_?  
  
It wasn't like they hadn't done _it_ , because they did, though not to the extent where either of them would end up sore and limping the next morning because, well, they both figured they weren't ready for that yet.  
  
They'd been intimate as far as intimacy was concerned eversince they made their relationship official, necking and petting during the first few months, which quickly escalated to Ohno stripping him off his boxers (and his pride) and teaching him the best and wonderful ways how to do a handjob.  
  
Though this time, he was pretty sure he wasn't the only one who had been thinking about doing it all the way.  
  
And if Satoshi said he wanted that, then that’s exactly what he would receive.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
  
  
He stepped down onto the platform tiredly, hitching his bag up his shoulder before checking his phone again. It’s almost seven now and it’s already dark everywhere. He’s hungry but he promised Nino he would stop by at the shop so they could have dinner together.  
  
Ah, how he missed the daily special Nino used to prepare for him. But that’s not the only thing he looked forward to seeing, of course, grinning at the memory of their conversation the night before, at how he obviously pissed Nino off when he told Nino he’d better be good at handjobs now than he was five months ago because he was seriously going to test Nino this time.  
  
 _But how about blowjobs?,_ he remembered asking the moment after and Nino hanging up on him before he could even say another word.  
  
He grinned, and was well on his way towards the exit when a very familiar voice spoke from behind him, making him turn around before he could even stop himself. “God, would you please wipe that lewd look off your face before you scared someone else? Jesus, I don’t even want to know what you’re thinking right now because – oof!”  
  
“Nino!” he exclaimed, vibrating from head to toe as he crossed the short distance between him and Nino, grabbing Nino around the waist and tugging Nino roughly into his arms without missing a beat. He had his face mashed against the juncture between Nino’s neck and shoulder, his bag hitting the pavement as he folded himself against Nino, laughing breathlessly against Nino's neck.  
  
“Oh god, I miss you,” he whispered into Nino’s skin, breathing Nino’s scent in and feeling Nino’s arms went tight around him for a few lingering seconds before Nino’s fingers are on his hair, sliding his palm down, curling it around the back of his neck.  
  
“I miss you too,” Nino whispered, then, “but can you please let go of me now before we make a scene out here? Yes? Fine, good,” Nino said once he let go, grinning mischievously when he playfully held a hand out at Nino, asking for a handshake instead. Nino arched a fine brow at him but otherwise took his offered hand.  
  
“Nice to see you again, mate,” he grinned, eyes twinkling with mischief. It didn’t escape him that Nino’s hands were damp and clammy. Still grinning, he bent down to retrieve his bag. “So, shall we?”  
  
Nino rolled his eyes to the heave and reached over to flick him not-too-gently across the forehead.  
  
“Yes,” Nino agreed, “But dinner first, yeah? I swear it was too easy to find you despite that many people because of your grumbling stomach,”  
  
He grinned and bumped his shoulder playfully against Nino’s. “Have I told you you’re the sweetest? No?”  
  
“Oh, just shut up, Oh-chan,”  
  
He did. But only because Nino was warm and it had been too long since he felt this familiar calmness he only ever felt when he’s with Nino as he walked side by side with Nino.  
  
He's home now and he's with Nino. That was all that matters.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
  
  
They reached Nino’s family’s ramen shop half an hour later, Nino unlocking the door for them and telling him they’ve closed earlier before he was able to ask Nino about it himself.  
  
“Mom’s not feeling well so she told us to just close the shop early,” Nino said, letting them in and flicking the nearest light, making sure he was already inside before Nino closed the door behind them again. “We both knew Nee-chan can’t man the shop alone, and since she knew I was going to the station to meet you, she suggested –“  
  
He closed in on Nino without another word, wrapping his arms around Nino and nosing Nino’s cheek with a mumbled, “I miss you,” as he held Nino close.  
  
Like this, hidden from the outside world, Nino was easier to manipulate (though he didn't really need to), soft and pliant the way he always was when they're close like this, leaning further into his arms like he knew where he was and loved being there just as much. But they’re just the same, he’s sure of it, because there’s nowhere he’d rather be than here, snuggled close to Nino, his scent filled with Nino and Nino alone.  
  
“I miss you too, Oh-chan,” Nino whispered back and somehow, they both moved without as much as prompting, gasping when he realized his mouth was on Nino’s and they were kissing. “I miss you, miss you, miss you –“  
  
He grabbed Nino firmly around the waist and pushed Nino towards the nearby table, kissing him with everything he had, satiating his hunger for Nino, for Nino’s kisses, for everything that was Nino.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
  
  
Dinner was a quiet affair, one that took them minutes longer to finish because Ohno wouldn’t stop kissing him. He had four bowls of ramen already prepared for Ohno, half he managed to eat and the rest he’d fed Ohno in between kisses.  
  
Afterwards, he simply took Ohno’s hand and kissed him hard, didn’t stop kissing him until he got his message across. Ohno’s eyes were dark but the quirk on his lips told him exactly what he needed then, the question lingering behind Ohno's eyelids was as palpable as his next thundering heartbeat.  
  
 _I want you_ , Ohno’s eyes said, _but are you sure?_  
  
He pressed closer unto Ohno, arms thrown around Ohno’s back, sliding his legs in between Ohno's own and jerking his hips upwards onto Ohno, letting him feel the answering hardness throbbing in between his legs. With a smile, he leaned up and licked a long line from Ohno's chin to the underside of Ohno's ear, tongue flicking the sensitive spot on Ohno's ear and whispering, “Yes. Absolutely one hundred percent sure,”  
  
Ohno's growl was raw and hungry, and he was so ready for Ohno when Ohno turned and captured his mouth into a kiss.  
  
Quite frankly, it was probably the only thing Ohno was waiting for.

++

It was a struggle, finding a perfect place to do this when the only other space he could lay Nino down was on top of a table or over the kitchen counter. He was vibrating with so much raw energy that he didn’t realize Nino was pushing him towards a door; something he didn't know was there before. He was only vaguely interested on the way Nino was busy mouthing at his neck while his hands were busy tugging at Nino’s pants.  
  
“In there, come on,” Nino whispered hurriedly into his neck, his breath damp and warm and god, he was so turned on he could barely think past it. He gripped Nino around the hips and tugged Nino closer by his belt, sucking his way up from Nino’s chin to the side of Nino’s mouth.  
  
The next thing he realized was that he was landing on his ass on something soft, Nino’s weight settling over his lap before Nino’s mouth was on him again.  
  
“Oof!” he grunted, but he’s all too willing to accommodate Nino’s weight as Nino settled comfortably on top of him. Nino’s fingers alternate between tugging at his shirt and tugging at the short hairs at the back of his head, moaning softly and needy into his mouth as he rolled his hips up unto Nino’s own.  
  
“Off with it, come on,” Nino muttered, fingers insistent on their quest to relieve him off his shirt so despite the fact that he didn’t want to stop kissing Nino, he pulled away in favor of raising his arms so Nino could take his shirt all the way off. “God, finally –“ Nino grumbled but he was already tugging Nino back down for a kiss, stealing Nino’s breath straight from Nino’s mouth as he sucked on Nino’s tongue.  
  
They kissed for a while, his hands eagerly tracing each bump of Nino’s spine beneath his shirt. A part of him was telling him to strip Nino off his shirt too but it was too damn difficult to think of other things when Nino was so close and he could just kiss him and kiss him and kiss him, could touch him without holding back.  
  
He moaned when Nino took his attention elsewhere, as he started nipping his way from the side of his mouth to the sensitive line of his jaw. He laid back and used the opportunity to look around, finding that they were, in fact, inside a very tiny room (probably something like a resting area for Nino’s family during their break) and that they’d managed to land on a still very much unrolled futon at the very center of the room itself.  
  
An impatient chuckle aimed against his cheek was what snapped him back to the very physical present, raising his head in time to see the genuine look of annoyance marring Nino’s face.  
  
“Where the hell are you?” Nino muttered, pinching his cheek not-so-gently in reprimand. He grinned and leaned into Nino’s hand as his hand wormed its way behind to cup a handful of Nino’s ass.  
  
“Sorry, I was checking out where we ended up in,”  
  
“It’s the staff room,” Nino chuckled in answer, then gasped when he leaned in and bit Nino’s nipple through his shirt. “Damn it, Oh-chan,” Nino gritted, fingers flying to his hair when he repeated the action twice. “You can just tell me to lose the shirt too instead of –“  
  
“Hmm,” he hummed, watching the way the spot where he was mouthing at Nino’s nipple was getting increasingly damp, tonguing the perky thing through the soft fabric. “Should I?”  
  
Nino rolled his eyes to the heaven but said nothing as he stripped himself off his shirt with a huff.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
  
  
They’ve at least managed to get naked after much struggling (and blushing on his part), had even managed to unroll the futon properly before Satoshi pushed him down with a grin. Two seconds after, Satoshi was on top of him, fingers tender on his face as he leaned down for another softer, tamer kiss.  
  
“You sure about this?” Satoshi asked, hesitant, unsure; he also looked like he was actually contemplating between rolling away and staying where he was. Nino wanted to be annoyed but he found that he couldn’t because, well, he was terrified too.  
  
But then again, he wondered what Satoshi expected his answer to be anything but _yes_ but he figured he had to say it again just to assure Satoshi that yes, he wanted this.  
  
“Fuck _yes_ ,” he answered, ending it with his hand wrapping itself around Satoshi’s cock, just to be safe. Satoshi’s eyes lolled to the back of his head at the contact, and the noise that escaped his slightly parted mouth then was part-hungry and equal-parts amazed that the sound alone was enough to make his own cock twitch in anticipation.   
  
“Now stop asking questions and get on with it,” he added, at the same time he twisted to his side and grabbed the small bag he stashed beneath the futon and dropped the contents of it to where Satoshi could see them before Satoshi had the chance to ask.  
  
Satoshi’s eyes were wide as he gazed at the tube of lube and a few packets of condoms scattered beside him on the futon. “Jesus, Nino, what –“  
  
“Don’t you dare ask me what they are, what they’re for and how I got them, because I’m seriously going to be pissed,” he countered before Satoshi could even finish his sentence.  
  
Satoshi giggled and ducked down to kiss him, and he couldn’t help it, he was giggling too before he even realized it. Ohno held him tight, pressing kisses on his face as he dutifully stayed still and let the reality of it all sink in. It was silent then but the combined noises their hearts were making were enough to terrify him even more.  
  
They were going to have sex for the first time, he and Satoshi, and for the life of him, he wondered - honestly scared whether he would be good enough for Satoshi to still want him after they’d done it.  
  
What if he screwed up? What if the pain ended up to be too much, would he be able to take it? What if he wasn’t good enough? What if he -  
  
Satoshi touched his face and pecked his nose, his lips, his eyes. “Hey hey, what is it? Are you okay?”  
  
He breathed in a deep, shuddery breath and exhaled it in one go. It wouldn’t be good for him to be too nervous about this because it would surely make Satoshi even more hesitant to get on with it. “Were you seriously going to ask me what those are for?” he said instead.  
  
Satoshi chuckled and ducked down once again to kiss him. “Not really, no,” Satoshi said, his tone softer now, softer than it’s ever been but it was evident in the way Satoshi was bracing himself on his arms to keep their lower bodies from touching that Satoshi was still having doubts about this.  
  
“Stop lying, you were totally going to ask me,” he snorted, feigning annoyance but Satoshi sure was better at reading him now because instead of answering him, Satoshi leaned down and nosed his cheek, fingers soft and yielding against the side of his neck.  
  
“You’re scared,” Satoshi breathed.  
  
“I’m not –“  
  
“You are,” Satoshi cut in and pulled away far enough to look at him. “Kazu, you know it’s okay, right? We don’t have to do this now if you’re not ready yet, I swear I can wait. I just. I don’t want to rush you, or this because –“  
  
He shook his head. “I swear I’m ready,” he said, fingers worming their way round the back of Satoshi’s head. “It’s just the first time nerves,” he added, biting his lips. “It’ll be fine. I’m with you –“  
  
Satoshi kissed him. “It’s going to hurt,” Satoshi said when he pulled away enough to talk, “It’s going to hurt a lot, Nino. What am I going to do if I end up hurting you –“  
  
God, the two of them are hopeless. He was worried about it too but it seemed like Satoshi was equally worried about the same thing.  
  
He tugged Satoshi down for a reassuring kiss. “You won’t,” he said, “I trust you,”  
  
Satoshi still looked unconvinced, then said something that almost made the few remaining working cells in his brain freeze. “What if you do it first?” Satoshi proposed, “That way we could check if it’s –“  
  
“No, Oh-chan,” he whined, though he couldn’t deny the fact that the thought alone was enticing as it was delicious but no. He grappled for the lube without looking at it and thrust it into Ohno’s face with a scowl.  
  
“I’ve long accepted the disgusting fact that I’m the woman in this relationship,” he grumbled, feeling the tell-tale warmth creeping up to his cheek when Satoshi’s face broke into an almost wondrous grin. “So, no; you’ll be the one fucking and I’m going to stay right here, taking it all in, understand? Now move the hell along and don’t make me ask you again because if you do, I swear you can forget all about this,”  
  
Satoshi’s laughter was one of his favorite things in the world that he was honestly torn between hiding his face against the futon and watching until Satoshi was done giving in to the mirth rocking his whole body.  
  
There were still puffs of laughter tumbling out of Satoshi’s mouth when he leaned down to kiss him, and he swore Satoshi’s kisses tasted even better when he’s so happy.  
  
“Have I told you lately how amazing you are?” Satoshi breathed mostly into his mouth and he shook his head, not trusting his voice not to shake with the way Satoshi was walking his fingers down the length of his body. “No, oh well, you’re amazing… my amazing, wonderful, sexy and beautiful and virgin boyfriend,”  
  
He snorted. “You are so dumb,”  
  
Satoshi grinned. “But you love me, so I still win,”  
  
He threw his head back at the same time Satoshi wrapped his fingers around him, taking the tube of lube from him with the other.  
  
It’s time.  
  
  
+++  
  
  
Two fingers gave way to three and he swore he was this close to taking them out the minute he heard Nino’s answering hiss.  
  
“Relax,” he found himself murmuring, pressing kisses against Nino’s legs as he twisted his fingers inside Nino, feeling Nino’s muscles clamping around his fingers almost on autopilot. God damn it, he was so hard, could just imagine being buried into that tight and perfect heat in no time, with Nino’s legs wrapped around his middle as he fucked Nino slow and sure into the futon.  
  
“Shit, god damn it, shit –“  
  
“O-Oh-chan - !”  
  
“Relax, god, please, relax,” he murmured, though it was hard enough to do the same thing himself with how fucking worked up he already was. He couldn’t even twist his fingers inside Nino now without hissing in return, the heat that enveloped his fingers was tantalizing enough for him to want to skip the preliminaries so he could go straight into fucking.  
  
But he couldn’t; god help him but he couldn’t because the last thing he wanted was to hurt Nino and that’s that.  
  
“That’s fine, that’s enough, come on, Oh-chan –“ Nino writhed beneath him, fingers grabbing for the nearest part of him Nino could reach. “Come on, please, come on,”  
  
“Nino –“  
  
“Just do it, come on –“ Nino mewled, face flushed red with arousal and god, how could he still look so damn beautiful despite it all? “Come on, come on, come on,”  
  
“Wait,” he breathed, taking his fingers out all at once and groaning at the way it drove Nino into a wail, scrabbling to find a condom but Nino was tugging him down and thrusting his hips up onto him. “Wait, I need to –“  
  
“Forget it! Come on, oh god, please –“  
  
“Condom, I need to –“  
  
“No you don’t!” Nino wailed, mouth seeking his, fingers cupping his throbbing cock at the same time Nino was spreading his legs apart. “you don’t need it, Oh-chan, come on, god, please –“  
  
Okay, maybe he’d forego the condom but not the lube. He grabbed the tube and squeezed the remaining contents into his fingers before spreading everything over his aching cock. He was shaking all over and it didn’t help that Nino was pulling him down, kissing him, begging him to take him.  
  
The tube fell from his hand at the same time he grabbed onto Nino’s hips and leaned down to kiss Nino hard on the mouth.  
  
“I’m going to –“  
  
“Do it,” Nino commanded.  
  
“I love you,” he murmured once, before he pushed in.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
  
It sure felt like he was going to be torn in half at the first hard push of Satoshi’s cock into him. It’s too difficult to try and regulate his breathing when he didn’t know which one he should focus on – the feel of Satoshi’s cock filling him, inch by agonizing inch, or the feel of Satoshi’s breathe on his face, warm and familiar, shaky but reassuring.  
  
“Oh god, Nino –“ Satoshi cried out when he all but wrapped his legs around Satoshi’s waist to pull him down, deeper, and they both let out two consecutive shuddery breathes when they realized Satoshi was as deep as he was gonna go and shaking.  
  
He arched his back and let the burn subside for a bit, fingering Satoshi’s damp hair and whispering,  
  
“Move, Oh-chan; god, please, move,” in a breathy tone.  
  
Satoshi didn’t even need to be told twice.  
  
  
  
+++  
  
His grip on Nino’s hips was sweaty but he held on tight, pushing his way in without taking his gaze away from Nino’s face.  
  
“D-Does it hurt?”  
  
Nino shook his head and smiled at him in a way that made things in his chest tight. God, he loved Nino so much right now he could barely stand it. As if on cue, Nino’s fingers curled around his wrist, not tight, just holding on and he felt it then more than he ever would in any circumstances, how deep this connection between them now, how it’s curved into his being like second skin.  
  
“I love you,” Nino breathed, completely taking the words out of his mouth and throwing them back to him in a way that rendered him speechless, breathless. “I love you _so_ much, Oh-chan,”  
  
His vision was blurry with tears he didn’t realize he was shedding, smiling through it as his hips stuttered unevenly at the feel of Nino clenching deliciously around him. There were so many things he wanted to say, but the words were being hindered with the need to bury himself deep into Nino’s body and stay there for as long as he was allowed.  
  
“Nino, Nino, Nino –“  
  
“I’m here,” Nino returned, fingernails clawing into his skin as he pounded into the heat of Nino’s body. “I’m here,”  
  
The last he remembered was his hand on Nino’s cock, of Nino’s head thrown back with a cry, his back arching and hips jerking hard into Nino as he came.  
  
  
+++  
  
When he came to, he was still lying on top of Nino, panting hard into the juncture between Nino’s neck and shoulder.  
  
The aftermath was overwhelming he could still feel his dick pulsing inside Nino, belatedly realizing that he was still very much buried inside Nino’s ass, his cock bathed in his own come inside Nino’s body.  
  
Beneath him, Nino squirmed. “Ni – no?”  
  
“We’re going to do this again, r-right?” Nino said, sounding adorably breathless, maybe a little stunned. “Right, Oh-chan?” Nino repeated, and he swore his heartstrings were immediately in knots the minute he realized what was causing Nino to sound like he wanted him to assure the younger boy right that second.  
  
It got worst the minute he looked up and found Nino was crying.  
  
“Jesus, Nino –“  
  
“Oh-chan –“  
  
He had Nino’s face in between his palm in no time, leaning down to mash their mouths together for a kiss.  
  
“You – what are you even saying, you stupid?” he said when he managed to pull away, touching Nino’s face and smoothing Nino’s tears away with his mouth.  
  
“I thought maybe you – you realized I’m lousy so –“  
  
He laughed at that, couldn’t not, kissing Nino’s pout and wriggling his hips enough for Nino to know how hard he was once again inside Nino. “You gave me your virginity as a gift - for my birthday – and seriously, even if you’re lousy the first time, I don’t care,” he grumbled, knew that his thoughts were overlapping now but he couldn’t care less. The only thing that matter was to make Nino understand he was not going anywhere, not after this, never. “We’ll do this again, _immediately_ , because fuck, you don’t honestly think that was enough – that I’d have enough of you now that I get to have you, right? You don’t seriously think –“ he paused, then, “oh,”  
  
“I – really?” Nino said through lowered lashes.  
  
“Oh god,” he exclaimed, breathy and suddenly so turned on that he could barely keep his hands from touching Nino, his lips from claiming Nino’s own. God, Nino was his and he was so damn lucky. He took Nino’s hands in his and raised them so he could kiss the back of Nino’s palm tenderly. “I love you, Kazu,” he whispered, nipping Nino’s mouth gently this time. “So much, too much that sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe properly when I think of you and I want to touch you but I can’t,”  
  
His hips surged into Nino and the gasps that left Nino’s mouth then was enough to make his spine tingle.  
  
He pushed in, pulled out, then pushed in again, watching Nino’s face as he did so.  
  
“But you’re here now,” he followed, his tone thick with want, chest full as he stared straight into Nino’s eyes. They mirrored that of what he felt right now and that was more than enough. “and I’m going to take advantage of that fact to the fullest,”  
  
“Oh-chan –“  
  
“Happy birthday to me,” he mused, jerking into Nino with a wordless sigh.  
  
“Yeah,” Nino agreed, fingers scrabbling for purchase around his back, Nino’s toes digging softly into the skin of his lower back. “Happy birthday.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-telling of that Chapter 11 part, Jun's.

His fingers tighten around his phone. "A few days?" he repeats, only slightly wondering if he somehow heard it wrong. But then Ohno is saying,  _ Yeah, most probably _ , and his heart does that thump thump thing in his chest that he knows has something to do with how awfully different Ohno's voice sounded like.

"But you didn't even bring enough clothes to -"

_ I'll manage _ , is what Ohno says, so quickly that he's starting to feel kind of restless, worried to be honest.  _ I'm sure I have a few clothes left at home so I'll just... yeah, it'll be fine, don't worry. _

"It's not like I'm worried," he lies, feeling like throwing his phone up against the wall and frowning at the email about a hotel booking confirmation when he opened Sho-kun's account a little while ago. "It's just that I was expecting you'd be here by tomorrow evening since, you know, we have a party to attend the next day," he says, though he's not really paying attention to Ohno's answer now as he clicks on the email and sees Ohno's name written there.

_ Is it okay if I pass this one?,  _ Ohno mumbles from the other end,  _ I mean, it's fine, right? You can go alone, or if you don't want to, you can take Sho-kun with you. _

He checks the email one more time and is clicking the forward mail button before he can stop himself, something hot and fierce bubbles in his chest.

"I see," he replies, then, "Fine, I'll check with Sho-san if he's available. I'll let you know,"

_ And Jun-chan?, _ Ohno calls, voice unusually soft, almost breathy.

"What is it?"

_ I... When I come back, there's something I want to talk to you about... _

He huffs out a hollow laugh, fingers finding the front of his chest where his heart is beating unsteadily underneath. He feels like crying, finding it so hard to swallow around the lump in his throat knowing exactly what it is Ohno is referring to now.

He closes his eyes and swallows his sobs down and says, "Jesus, are you okay? You're scaring me, what is it about?"

A beat, then,  _ We'll talk when I come back... until then, just... take care of yourself, yeah? _

He knows he's this close to screaming but he has to force himself still, has to swallow the urge down because he knows there's no way he's going to win this if he's not going to act smart.

"Fine, whatever," he says, "See you in a few days, then, yeah?"

_ In a few days, yes. _

"Right. I love you," he says.

Another longer pause.  _ I know. Bye, Jun, _ Ohno whispers, lowly, before he hangs up.

He swears his heart is already in pieces when his phone hits the floor at the same time he buries his face in between his hands, muffling his sobs against them.

  
+  
  


Sho sounded extremely shocked when he told the older man his plans to follow Ohno.

_ "But - are you sure? I mean, didn't Satoshi-kun said he'll be here by tomorrow evening?" _ Sho says, and god, he wonders why these men think he's that stupid not to know that they're lying to him. Well, he can't exactly blame Sho because he's pretty sure he's just following instructions but to hell with it because Sho isn't just working for Ohno, he is working for him too so he really finds it annoying that they're conspiring behind his back.

He's just glad he has access to Sho's emails too (without him knowing it, of course) because if not, god, he wouldn't be able to properly sleep at night knowing they might be doing stupid things that he's not aware of.

He wedges his phone in between his neck and shoulder and starts putting stuff into his overnight bag - shirts and pants, towel, underpants - all are Ohno's as he locates his keys.

"He won't be coming back tomorrow, Sho-san," he answers, outright ignoring Sho's distinct sputtering from the other end and vaguely remembering Ohno's shoes, then grabbing one of the empty sketchbooks too. "So be a darling and book me a flight there, preferably tonight or early tomorrow morning. And a car too, if you please,"

_ "But Matsumoto-san, what about the contract signing at the party -"  _ Sho is saying but he is cutting him off before Sho even manages to finish.

"We'll have to reschedule that," he counters quickly and biting his tongue before he even manages to stutter out something wholly inappropriate, like, I don't care about that fucking contract when I'm about to lose the person I love, so go shove it.

"You heard me, Sho-san?" he prompts when he's sure Sho didn't respond.

A beat, and hears an almost strained response from Sho. " _Loud and clear, Matsumoto-san,_ "

"Good. I'm going to hang up now okay? Just mail me the details of my itinerary and I'll email you back once I get it," he says, "Thanks for your help, Sho-san," is the last thing he tells Sho before he hangs up.

He stands there, the printout of Ninomiya's family restaurant location in one hand and Ninomiya's blurred photo in the other.

"If you think I'm going down without a fight, Ninomiya-san, then you're clearly wrong," he tells the photo of an obviously younger Ninomiya before shoving it into the pockets of his jacket.

  
+  
  
  


He just let himself in the car when he remembered to phone Ohno's mother.

It's only a little over six but he's sure the older woman is already awake, as most people not living in the city are used to.

It takes only three rings before someone answers. "Ka-chan?" he says when the older woman's voice came through, "as, sorry for calling so early, this is Jun," he greets; the older woman sounded wholly delighted when she answered.

"I'm really sorry, I just, I want to ask if Satoshi has come by to visit? No? Well, that's odd," he says, pausing when the older man asks what he means. "Well he flew back yesterday morning, and since I realized I have nothing else scheduled for me for the next couple of days, I decided to follow him. I'm actually at the airport now, I just landed half an hour ago,"

_ Then you should come visit us _ , is what the older woman says, and he smiles.

"I will, but Satoshi might visit you first. I'll try to come by this evening, if I can,"

_ Okay, Jun-kun, I'll see you then. _

"See you, Ka-chan," he says and hangs up.

He takes the crumpled print out of the Ninomiya family restaurant and squints at it.

"I'll see you in a few, Ninomiya-san," he murmurs, throwing the crumpled paper aside and starts the car.

  
+  
  


He watches the man hops around the place with an almost ear-splitting grin, and finds himself swallowing bile and the urge to round the way towards the man as quickly as his feet would allow him and punch the hell out of the man's face but wisely holds himself.

Be smart, he tells himself, and opts to wait until the man is turning his way before he raises his hand high enough to get the man's attention. The man bows and retrieves something from the counter, says something to the lady manning the register that made the lady giggle before the man saunters off to where he is.

He keeps his gaze locked on the man's face, observing, checking the man's features even from a distance. He still looks the same as he does in the photo, the one he found tucked neatly on one of Ohno's sketchbooks, the one he stole and had kept hidden in his wallet ever since he and Ohno moved in together.

"Good morning, Sir," the man greets with a tiny bow of his head and sliding a menu towards him. "Do you want to take a look at the menu first or do you want me to wait -"

He knows he must be creeping the man out with how intensely he is staring but he can't help it. There is something so different with him, something that makes him feel entirely unworthy of being with Ohno despite seeing how simple and ordinary-looking the man is up close. Then something caught his eyes, patches of red marring the man's collar bones that he didn't bother hiding, and he swears his chest feels like it is being squeezed hard by a thousand invisible fists that he can hardly breath.

"You're Ninomiya-san, right?" he says the first thing that came to mind, feeling vaguely stupid for even asking it the minute the words left his mouth. Of course it's him, he would know the man on sight; he had seen Ninomiya's picture after all.

The man simply looks utterly confused, if not wary. "Um, do I know you, Sir?"

He shakes his head and mutters, "No, I'm most certain you don't," he says, before he fishes around his pocket and takes out a business card before handing it over. Ninomiya takes it without a word, gaze on the business card and thus gives him the opportunity to check the man out for as long as he can, fingers shaking something bad at the sight of Ninomiya's bruised lips and the obvious confusion written all over Ninomiya's eyes as he reads his name.

It's clear; Ninomiya has no idea who he is.

He stands up and bows his head a little. "My name is Matsumoto Jun," he introduces himself, barely seeing the way Ninomiya bows his head in return. He swallows hard and gazes straight into Ninomiya's eyes, willing his voice not to shake as he says,

"And I _am_ Ohno Satoshi's live-in partner."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted as a filler/interlude on chapter 14

“The debt your father left you, and the shop’s too… even your mother’s treatment,” she pauses here, meeting his and his sister’s gazes, “I’ll take care of them all,” she says, “You pay me back when you can, that’s not a problem,”  
  
He wants to say something but he’s not sure if he has any right to do so, much more question the older woman’s obvious desire to help them but he can’t help it; something seems off and he knows he’s not the only one who realizes this.  
  
“It’s going to cost you a lot of money, Ohno-san,” his sister speaks up, finally, her fingers clasped against his. They’re clammy and cold to the touch. “And there’s no way we’ll be able to pay you back from just the shop’s earnings so –“  
  
“Money’s not a problem and as I said, you don’t have to worry about paying me back immediately,” the older woman cuts in rather quickly, and he feels his sister’s fingers squeezing his almost too tightly. The older woman gives them a look that speaks volume and he wonders, not for the first time, how she looks so different now from the kind-hearted woman whom he and his sister treat as their second mother.  
  
Now, there’s no kindness in the way she looks at them, on the way she regards them as if she can’t really be bothered about the fact that their mother might die if she won’t get the treatment she needed, that they might lose the shop if they won’t come up with enough money to pay for the suppliers.  
  
It’s bad enough that their house is already about to go too, what with the debts their father had left them and honestly, he isn’t sure what prompted Ohno’s mother to come to them, offering her help.  
  
It’s just plain suspicious.  
  
A few minutes passed before he realizes his sister is tugging her hand away and turning to him.  
  
“Kazu, will you get Ohno-san another cup of tea, please,” his sister tells him, firm in a way she normally doesn’t and he gets up from his seat despite his reluctance. His sister throws him a look that means so many things and for once, he doesn’t say anything, tongue in cheek as he bows his head and excuses himself.  
  
He disappears into the kitchen but he creeps back on his hands and knees, hiding himself behind the counter as he strains hard to hear their conversation.  
  
At first, he can’t make out what they are saying, at least until his sister’s tone goes up a few pitches higher, loud enough for him to hear her.  
  
“Y-You… You’re not serious,” his sister says, which Ohno’s mother replies with, “I am, Kazue-chan; I am. As serious as your family’s debts following you from all sides and as serious as your mother’s illness,”  
  
“B-But… but why that? Why Kazu? Why, I don’t understand –“  
  
“Calm down and think about it, Kazue-chan,” Ohno’s mother says, “You can either believe me or not, I don’t really care, but I’m asking you this not because I simply want your brother out of Satoshi's life. You have to understand that I simply want what's best for my son and right now, finishing college is what he should focus his attention to. He's at this certain point where he wants to accomplish one thing but is so easily distracted with another, and right now, that other thing is your brother. I know I can’t expect Satoshi to give up your brother now – not that it’s what I want but because it’s what Satoshi needs, at least for the time being until he finished college. You should know how impossible it is to persuade Satoshi to think about this, not when the two of them are hell bent to move in together as soon as they can so I thought, why don’t I try and talk to Kazunari about it? But then again, I don’t want to hurt your brother’s feelings, but it’s exactly what is going to happen once I talked to him and I figured it'll be easier for you guys to consider my request if I give you something in exchange of what I want your brother to give up,”  
  
“But Ohno-san, don’t you think it’s a bit harsh –“  
  
“Maybe,” she cuts in rather quickly, “but to tell you the truth, I really think your brother is going to hinder Satoshi’s chance to broaden his horizon if they end up living together. Your brother's presence is going to drag Satoshi down, whether you believe it or not. He’s going to be a huge distraction to Satoshi’s studies, and as a mother who only wants what’s good for her son, this is the only thing I can think of in order to prevent it from happening,”  
  
“But can’t we talk to them about it without resolving to –“  
  
“I already did but my son won’t be persuaded,” Ohno-san says, “and I won’t even think of asking you this if he agreed,”  
  
“But if it’s only that –“ his sister says, sounding bewildered, “why go to such trouble of literally handing out a fortune when we can just talk to them both… when we can just make them understand that them being apart – Satoshi in Tokyo and my brother staying here – would be a hell of a lot better than if they live together to fend for themselves,”  
  
“This may sound a little unbelievable it but I swear, I also want to help your family, especially your mother," she says, "and I would honestly still ask your help even without this thing between us. Let's face it, Kazue-chan; your family needs the money and I'm very much willing to help you with it. In return, you have to talk to your brother, it's that simple. I'm sure it'll be easier for you to convince Kazunari," she says with a pause.  
  
"C-Can't we, I don't know, sit them down and talk to them?" his sister says.  
  
"Easier said than done,” Ohno’s mother says, “because as I told you, Satoshi doesn’t share the sentiment. He has this stupid notion that nothing is impossible as long as he and Kazunari are together,”  
  
“And you think your son is wrong?”  
  
“He _is_ wrong,” Ohno’s mother says without missing a beat. “They’re just kids, Kazue,” she says, as if she is pointing out the obvious. “They still don’t know what they really want,”  
  
“They’ve been together almost all their lives, Ohno-san,”  
  
“So were you and Mina,” Ohno’s mother says, “but none of it mattered when you decided you didn’t want –“ the older woman pauses here as if she catches herself halfway.  
  
“Anyway, just think about it,” Ohno’s mother is speaking again, “I’ll take care of the rest, you can count on that, and in exchange, you have to convince your brother to break it off with my son. It’s too little compared to what I’m willing to give up to help you and your family,” Ohno’s mother says and he freezes, shocked beyond shock itself. “And who knows, if what they feel for each other is real, then they’d be back in each other’s arms in no time. Just…not now, because school is what they need to focus their attention to right now. Especially for Satoshi. After they graduate, maybe? I swear if that happens, I’m not even going to say anything,”  
  
“A-Are you s-sure this isn’t about what happened between me and M-Mina?”  
  
Silence. “No; no, definitely not,” Ohno’s mother says but even through the almost alarming noises his heart is making, he can tell she doesn’t mean what she said. Not at all.  
  
  
+  
  
  
“So that’s it? She just wants me out of Oh-chan’s life and she promised to help us?” he says, his hands balled into fists, his eyes on his sister’s face. She wouldn’t meet his eyes and maybe, he should have expected it but he’s too angry, too hurt to even give her any leeway because he knows there’s something else here – a very important one that she’s not telling _him_ , _them._  
  
“Yes,” she says.  
  
“And you agreed?” he asks, even though he is aware that she did not. Still, he wants to hear her say it.  
  
His sister shakes her head. “Even if I want to, I can’t,” she says, her gaze focused on some spot on the floor. “It’s not my call to make,” then, “But if it was mine, I won’t even think twice, Kazu,” she says, her tone firmer now. “I won’t even think twice,” she repeats. “Whatever it takes to save Mom, to save everything that is dear to us, including the house our grandparents’ left our parents, the shop… everything,”  
  
“So you’re putting this on me, then?” he counters, tasting bile in his tongue.  
  
She raises her head and meets his gaze straight on. “We already did what we could,” she says, “but we’re still stuck in the middle, not knowing where to go, what to do,” she says, and he swears he’s never seen his sister like this – like she is barely holding on to what little hope she has, trusting him to hold her hand and never let go. “I know it’s going to hurt, it’s going to hurt so bad and I swear to you I won’t even put this on you if there’s another option but –“  
  
“But _this_ is the only option,” he says through tightly gritted teeth.  
  
“Kazu –“  
  
“You do know there’s an entirely different reason she’s doing this, right? Aside from that lame shit she told you about earlier? Her fears that I might be a huge distraction to Oh-chan’s studies?” he says, watching his sister’s eyes go wide the minute those words are out of his mouth. So he is right; Ohno’s mother’s decision does have something to do with her and Ohno’s sister.  
  
“I –“  
  
He keeps his eyes on his sister’s face, not backing down; he figures if he’s going to get his heart broken, Ohno’s too in the process, then he’d want to at least know the reason why.  
  
“She didn’t sound like it but I bet you – despite the fact that she was trying to hold it in, she was furious,” he says, “and I don’t really want to ask you this but –“ he pauses to breath and makes sure his eyes are locked on his sister’s face.  
  
“Are you certain she isn’t doing this as form of revenge for when you broke Mina-neechan’s heart when you left her for Akito-san?” he asks; though it is evident in the way his sister’s mouth falls open in shock that he’d just hit the nail in the head.  
  
She lowers her gaze once again, in apology or in defeat, or both. “I’m sorry,” she says, and it did sound like an admission as well as apology. He wonders if it even matters.  
  
“Yeah, you should be,” he whispers, feeling like all his strength has left him in a rush.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part happened after Nino supposedly left/disappeared.

He settles back on the bed and throws a hand over his eyes even as he keeps his phone pressed against his left ear. On the other end, his mother is mumbling something about a celebration or something but he's too busy trying to distract himself with the sudden onslaught of memories that he can't even find the desire to listen, or at least pretend that he is.

Even with his arm pressed tightly over his eyes, he can still see Nino - can still clearly recall the last time he'd been with the younger boy, the last time he saw the smile on Nino's face before Nino disappeared.

It's too much sometimes, the pain, the fierce emptiness knowing that he had lost the other half of his heart that breathing and living properly again after that seems a thousand times harder than it used to be and he wonders if there's even a possible end for it, if there's a way to even stop it.

He'd tried all the possible ways to forget, from sleeping with other people to keeping himself occupied with school activities and his part time job but nothing seemed to work, especially when he ends up alone in bed, his brain free to wander on its own because it always, always find a way to go back to the last time he was with Nino.

A year and a half since Nino left him, a year and a half to convince himself that it is over between him and Nino and yet he's here, reminiscing like a fool and obviously isn't over Nino, at all, despite acting like he is.

The ache in his chest returns yet again that it's so difficult to breath past it, much more pretend it isn't there when he's having trouble breathing the air back to his lungs. He realizes he is curling onto himself, realizes his phone has fallen from his hand and went stumbling down the mattress as he curls himself into a ball and stays like that until he is breathing properly again.

"Satoshi, are you still there?" his mother asks from the other end the second he is able to pick his phone again and manages to slap it back against his ear.

He swallows hard, past the lump that has formed in his throat at the same time he wipes his cheeks roughly with the back of his hand, drying the dampness away with his jaw clenched tight.

"Yeah," he says, "what was that you were saying again?"

A beat. "I was asking if you're coming home for your birthday," his mother says, her tone low, gentle.

Ah, yes. It'll be his birthday in a couple of hours, his twenty-first. It'd been two years now since the night of his nineteenth birthday, the first time him and Nino had sex, the night he received the most wonderful gift ever from the person who once meant the world to him and frankly, he doesn't think he'd want and is ready to go back home only to be reminded of the things he is trying hard to convince himself he already forget, because he knows that he isn't, not yet.

Maybe he should, he thinks, but then again, he knows that right now, he can't. He just can't.

"I'm not planning on it," he tells her and promptly hangs up before he turns his phone off completely.

+

Two hours and three and a half bottles of sake later, he is drunk, but still not drunk enough that he's still managed to crawl his way to where he's keeping the sketchbook he got as a gift for his seventeenth birthday from Nino, unearthing it from the drawer where he is keeping his boxers and a few of his favorite shirts.

It stumbles out of his grasp twice before he gets a firm hold around it enough to put it down on the bed while he slumps on his ass as he thumbs through it. The first page is filled with doodles of Nino's face, which he did just for fun then exactly five minutes after Nino handed it over, bypassing it in favor of gazing over the finely-written birthday message from Nino.

  
  


_ Dear Oh-chan, _

_ It's your seventeenth birthday, old man, so happy birthday. I don't know what else to say to you that I haven't already or maybe there is but I'll just say it to your face. I know you're probably expecting a more expensive gift than this one but due to a numerous reasons (and not just because I'm cheap, you old twit, and don't you even make that face because I know you're already thinking about saying it) I think - no, I'm sure you'd appreciate this more. _

_ I know you have a lot of this already but I figured they're not the same as this one because of course, this one is from me so obviously it's extra special. I'm not sure what I want you to draw on this but I figured I'd name this sketchbook "OhMiya" in honor of us both - the artist and his inspiration, pretty cool right? So maybe I want this sketchbook to be filled with nothing but drawings of my handsome face, so what? It's my gift, and I can very well demand what I want with it, shut up. _

_ Anyway, happy birthday again. I didn't save enough money to buy you a rail or any of those fishing stuff you like to moan about so much but at least I got you something. And oh, of course you are free to drop by the shop later on for dinner. It's on me - well, not me but you know what I mean. You can have two bowls or three if you want, just don't tell Kazue, okay? It's your birthday, afterall. _

_ Um, well, that's it, I guess. _

_ Happy birthday, Oh-chan. _

  
  


_ From : Nino _

_ P.S. I think I forgot to say something. Yeah.  _ _ I love you. _

  
  
  


He traces the words with his fingertips, eyes tightly closed as if by doing so, he'll be able to go back to the time where he and Nino are together. It's impossible, he knows it but it's difficult enough to be here and not know exactly where he wants to be. Of course he knows where that is, the only other place he wants to be is to where Nino is but he has to tell himself that Nino doesn't want that, didn't want that, and that's why he left. He has to learn how to let go, has to teach himself to move on with his life without Nino from here on, even though it's difficult.

He's crying again and it's not like he does anything to stop it. To be honest, right now he is simply doing this to encourage the tears to fall as his fingers thumb the pages one by one. By now, he has his eyes wide open, staring at every face drawn on each page, every single one different from the other, but only because he loved drawing each and every expression Nino makes. But that's before. He can't do that now. He shouldn't - he has to stop.

When he gets to the last page, he finds the photo of him and Nino tucked there - the last photo they took together months before their supposed trip to Tokyo. The twisting pain in his chest returns yet again, but he lets it be, taking the photo in between his fingers and sliding his thumb across Nino's smiling face.

"Today, I celebrate my birthday, Nino," he tells Nino's photo as he blinks through the tears. The alcohol's not enough to numb the pain, and maybe, that's okay. This time, he wants to be sober enough to do this.

"And today will be the last time I'll think of you," he says, with finality, lifting the photo and pressing it to his lips.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakumoto's turn

He’s been pacing around his apartment for hours now, worried despite the fact that he doesn’t have any right to be.  
  
It had been five hours since Matsumoto-san had called to ask him if he could book a flight back home for the other man as soon as he possibly could, had been four and a half hours since Satoshi-kun called him too to say, “ _Sho-kun, please keep an eye on Jun-kun,”_ in that tone of his that could warm even the coldest of hearts and offering no explanation before he hung up.  
  
Matsumoto-san should be in his apartment by now but he can’t be sure. He’d been calling the other man’s phone since two hours ago (even though he’d been itching to do the same two hours prior) – he’d estimated Matsumoto-san’s arrival and travel time from the airport to the apartment, afterall – but until now, his calls are all going straight to voicemail that it’s honestly worrying and equal parts frustrating.  
  
He ends up checking the airline’s schedule twice just to make sure Matsumoto-san’s plane had already landed as scheduled, and knowing that it already did only made things worse for him, god damn it.  
  
He checks his phone and dials Matsumoto-san’s number again, not really expecting anything but the automated response he’s been getting for hours now and almost dropping his phone in shock the moment he realizes the usual response is missing and it’s place is the sound of the familiar ringing.  
  
Two, three rings, before Matsumoto-san answers in a gruff tone, his voice almost unrecognizable through the static noises and Sho swears his heart has just taken a huge leap from his chest to his throat.  
  
“Sho-san, what’s wrong? I’ve just turned my phone on and I have at least a thousand missed calls notifications from you and probably a million texts –“  
  
He is firing a million questions before he can even stop himself. “Matsumoto-san, where are you? Are you okay? Are you home now? Or still in the airport? Do you want me to pick you up –“  
  
“Hey hey hey, calm down, what the hell is wrong with you?” Matsumoto-san says, obviously trying to sound like he’s teasing but even despite the fact that he can’t see the other man right now, he is certain Matsumoto-san is forcing himself to sound cheerful.  
  
There’s probably a space of two beats before Matsumoto-san is talking again. “I’m heading out right now, actually,” the man says, “I just took a quick shower and got changed the moment I reached home, was actually going to call it a night but…” Matsumoto-san’s voice trails at the last syllable and he knows, even without the other man saying it, that he’d rather drink himself to oblivion tonight instead of staying home and letting his boyfriend’s, now ex, infidelity ruin him the way Sho knows is the case.  
  
“Where to?”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
He swallows hard, past the lump that has formed in his throat at the same time he crosses the short distance between the living room and the bedroom, grabbing his jacket from the nearby chair and his car keys sitting on the nightstand.  
  
“The place you’re planning on going, where is it?” he says, reaching the front door and slipping on his shoes rather impatiently.  
  
The place is half-way out of Matsumoto-san’s lips before he realizes what he’s been asked, then gruffly hisses, “Why?”  
  
He shakes his head and pulls the door open, wedging his phone in between his shoulder and neck and cursing under his breath the moment his phone starts sliding down his sloppy shoulder. Stupid body part is stupid, he thinks, grabbing to rescue the phone just in time before it falls to the ground.  
  
He heaves a sigh and makes sure the door is locked before he starts walking. “Because I’m going to invite myself over to join your little impromptu party, Matsumoto-san, that’s why,” he says.  
  
There’s a gap of a few seconds before Matsumoto-san is speaking again. “Satoshi called you, didn’t he?”  
  
He doesn’t need to lie about it, not really, but for once, he knows that doing so will help. He doesn’t want to end up tracking Matsumoto-san’s phone just to find him and he already promised Satoshi-kun he’d keep an eye on Matsumoto-san (or not, because the older man didn’t really give him the chance to reply before he hung up earlier), telling himself that he is merely doing this as a favor for those two, even though his heart is saying something else entirely.  
  
“He didn’t have to,” he says through tightly gritted teeth as he reaches the elevator and waits for the door to open impatiently. “I already knew something was wrong the second you told me you were going to follow Satoshi-kun,”  
  
Silence. “That’s… it’s nothing you should be worried about,” Matsumoto-san says, and Sho wants to scoff at him for even trying covering up the fact that he’s so close to breaking down because Sho knows how prideful the other man is, though it is clearly not working. “and there’s nothing wrong; you are imagining things, Sho-san,”  
  
He shakes his head and is only vaguely thankful that the other man can’t see him. He already knows Matsumoto-san is going to say that, insisting nothing is wrong when obviously, there is. His chest aches yet again and by now, he doesn’t even pretend that it has nothing to do with the fact that Matsumoto-san is hurt and that he can’t do anything – has no right to do anything – to make it all better.  
  
The elevator door opens with a ding and he makes to step on it, grumbling, “Let me be the judge of that,” before he hangs up.  
  
  
+  
  
Twenty minutes later, he is stepping inside the café/bar Matsumoto-san told him he was headed to, locating the man exactly the minute his gaze went past the few patrons drinking quietly there.  
  
He kind of expected he’d be directed to a clubful of people with noisy music and even noisier crowd but he guesses Matsumoto-san is not in the mood for that. In fact, even here from where he is standing, he can sense the misery rolling off of Matsumoto-san’s shoulders, the way he is hunched over the counter, fingertips gracing the tips of his shot glass, his gaze lost in front of him.  
  
He feels the familiar ache in his chest at the sight as he struggles to breathe through it, commanding himself to keep it together enough to start walking despite the way his heart breaks with every step he takes closer to the man he’s been, for years now, secretly in love with.  
  
+  
  
  
  
He hears his name even before he is properly seated next to Matsumoto-san, forces himself to glance sideways and instantly regretting it.  
  
Matsumoto-san is crying.  
  
“Do you know what he did?” Matsumoto-san says, voice gruff and thick, and Sho just wants to tug the other man into his arms and never let him go. He can’t though, fisting his hands tightly to his sides to keep himself from doing so. “Do you, Sho-san? Did he tell you?”  
  
He shakes his head and says, lowly, “No,”  
  
Matsumoto-san huffs out a seemingly mirthless laughter before reaching down to take his shot glass and bringing it to his lips, emptying its contents in one go.  
  
“It was my fault, I guess,” Matsumoto-san says, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand angrily. “I was the one who suggested it, afterall, but I didn’t… I never thought he’d… god, I’m so stupid,”  
  
He breathes harshly through his mouth and gives the other man a look at the same time Matsumoto-san is gesturing for the bartender for two more drinks.  
  
“I don’t think it’s stupidity on your part,” he says, choosing his words carefully though he knows there’s no need for it. Nothing he say will ever make things better now, afterall. “Satoshi-kun was in a relationship with you, of course you would want to make sure you have all of him to yourself. Not just a part of himself that he chose to give you, but all of him, the same way you yourself are willing enough to give in return,”  
  
Matsumoto-san huffs another laugh and gives him a look that is part-awed, part-amused, though it doesn’t erase the look of pure heartbreak still tugging at the corners of Matsumoto-san’s mouth.  
  
“I didn’t know I was that transparent,” Matsumoto-san says, “you read me too well, it’s scary,”  
  
“I’ve been working for you guys for years now,” he says with a shrug as if it is enough to explain everything, swallowing past his own heartbreak that is making it harder for him to speak his mind.  
  
“Yeah,” Matsumoto-san agrees at the same time he grabs the newly-filled shot glass that they both don’t realize is already there, downing it in one go. “I guess you’re right,” he says.  
  
  
+  
  
Twenty minutes and four more shots after, he knows it is time to take Matsumoto-san home.  
  
“Did you know Satoshi is keeping a photo of them together?” Matsumoto-san says, more like slurs, grinning with his eyes half-closed, waving his fingers around drunkenly. It’s obvious that Matsumoto-san’s desire to keep these things to himself disappeared the moment the alcohol kicked in.  
  
“He is?” he asks, indulgently, nodding at the bartender to switch Matsumoto-san’s drink with something lighter the moment the other man called for another one. Matsumoto-san nods his head almost enthusiastically that he almost slides off his stool if not for him, shielding Matsumoto-san with his body, his arms going around Matsumoto-san to steady him.  
  
“Not anymore, though,” Matsumoto-san confesses. “I found it a few months after we moved in together and I’ve kept it eversince,” the other man says, looking down at his fingers cradling the shot glass and squinting at it. “I don’t have it anymore, though,”  
  
“You lost it?”  
  
Matsumoto-san shakes his head and struggles to lift the shot glass to his lips, spilling half of the contents before it even reaches its destination. He chuckles and thanks the bartender who is quickly sliding a box of tissue next to his own discarded, half-full bottle of beer.  
  
“I gave it back to Ninomiya-san,” Matsumoto-san says, grunting something indistinct under his breath at the brief mention of that now too familiar name, and scowling at him as he is wiping Matsumoto-san’s face dry. “Hey, I can do that myself, you don’t have to –“  
  
“Shall I take you home, Matsumoto-san?” he asks, wonders if he should have asked the same half an hour ago but knows that he couldn’t, considering the circumstance they’re in. Matsumoto-san blinks at him as if he is trying to process the thing he’s been asked and grimaces.  
  
 _“Not_ home, no,” the other man says, slapping a hand over the counter and making rude comments under his breath. “a hotel, the office, your apartment, I don’t care, just –“  
  
He grabs his wallet one-handedly and pulls out a few thousand Yens while keeping an arm around Matsumoto-san’s waist without missing a beat, nodding his thanks towards the bartender and putting his wallet back into his jacket pocket before guiding Matsumoto-san on his feet.  
  
“To my place, then,” he says, already chastising himself to the moon and back when Matsumoto-san promptly leans to him, his breath warm and stinks with alcohol as he mutters something incoherent against the front of Sho’s shirt.  
  
  
+  
  
  
It’s a struggle from the door to the living room, what with Matsumoto-san’s weight dragging them both down but he toughed it up. At least he was able to bring Matsumoto-san to the couch before the other man collapsed, watching the usually calm and collected man changed into this miserable person that he wishes to never see again, if he can help it.  
  
He crouches down and tugs Matsumoto-san’s shoes off his feet, then his socks as Matsumoto-san watches him quietly.  
  
“Do you want anything to drink?” he asks once he is done with the task, already reaching over to work on relieving Matsumoto-san off his jacket. “No alcohol, please. You’ve had enough of that for one night,” he says, pushing the material off of Matsumoto-san’s arm before he is stopped, Matsumoto-san’s hand grabbing him around the wrist tightly enough to hurt.  
  
“What are you doing, Sho-san?” Matsumoto-san asks with a frown.  
  
“Taking off your jacket,” he says.  
  
“Why?”  
  
He blinks and pulls himself upright, not getting that far away because Matsumoto-san still has his fingers wrapped tightly around his wrist.  
  
“Because obviously, you can’t sleep comfortably wearing it,” he reasons, “and you are – sleeping here, that is – since you said you said you don’t want to go home and –“  
  
“I didn’t tell you to take me here because I want to have sex,”  
  
He reels, stung. “I – _what?”_  
  
Matsumoto-san’s hand loosens its grip before letting it fall to his lap. Looking down, Matsumoto-san whispers, “Sho-san, this – I know how you feel about me, okay, but –“ Matsumoto-san pauses here and Sho swears his heart does too. It probably stopped beating entirely, he can’t be sure but it does feel that way. “but this – I can’t. I just… I wasn’t thinking, I shouldn’t have asked you to –“  
  
He reaches over and grabs Matsumoto-san’s shoulder, stopping the other man from further saying anything.  
  
“Jesus, I know that, okay?” he says, tasting panic and something else in his tongue. Matsumoto-san looks like he is seconds away from bolting towards the door and it’s up to him to make sure the other man doesn’t. He is shocked beyond comprehension but right now, it doesn’t matter.  
  
Matsumoto-san needs someone to stay with him and there’s no one else he can trust right now to take care of the other man besides him.  
  
“I didn’t bring you here for that, Christ, what are you even saying?” he says.  
  
“You like me,” Matsumoto-san says, voice small and just the slightest bit confident and Sho just wants to slap him or kiss him to shut him up. He does neither. “I thought maybe you were thinking this is your chance to fuck me since I’m drunk and miserable,”  
  
“You are so full of yourself, Matsumoto-san,” he chuckles, pushing the other man back to the couch and shaking his head. “and no, I don’t -“  
  
“- _like_ me?”  
  
“That’s not… you know what, you’re drunk. You should sleep it off. We can talk about this tomorrow,” that is, if he can still remember all of this, he thinks.  
  
“I’m drunk but I know what I’m saying, Sho-san,” Matsumoto-san says, meeting his eyes straight on. Sho tries to remember the reason he is here with Matsumoto-san and gives the man a smile as he reaches out to aim a light punch against Matsumoto-san’s chin.  
  
“I know you do, boss,” he says, backing back a step if only to put a respectable distance between them. “I know you do, but we’re not going to talk about my stupid feelings when your own is a mess and your emotions are all over the place. Maybe soon, because I have a feeling we would have to talk about this eventually, especially now that it’s out of the bag but just…not now, yeah? Not now,”  
  
“So you weren’t thinking of fucking me? To help me take my mind off of the fact that Satoshi cheated on me? If you were -”  
  
“I _wasn’t_ ,” he says, firmly, and he knows that for a fact. He can say that right into the other man’s face without even stumbling on his words because it’s true. “I’m not,”  
  
“Well, good,” Matsumoto-san says, sagging on the couch with a sigh and promptly closing his eyes. This close, he can see the ghost of misery tugging at the corners of Matsumoto-san’s mouth, and to be honest, he doesn’t like what he is seeing, not even for one bit. He’s even this close to saying that to Matsumoto-san but he holds himself back, bites his tongue before he does so.  
  
“Because I’m not going to accept something as stupid as a pity fuck from you, or from anyone else, for that matter,”  
  
He sighs and flops himself next to the other man on the couch. “You shouldn’t,” he says, bravely sliding his arms over the other man’s shoulders and tugging him in despite the man’s obvious unwillingness. “and even if you would – accept something as stupid as that, that is, you won’t get it from me,” he says, more like whispers, arm tightening around Matsumoto-san’s shoulders as the man shakes beneath his arm.  
  
“I won’t?”  
  
“You won’t,” he confirms, “I value you too much to do something as stupid as that,” he says.  
  
“You shouldn’t –“ Matsumoto-san says with a pause, voice breaking at the last syllable, “I don’t deserve it,”  
  
“You don’t deserve having your heart stomped over repeatedly by someone you cared for so deeply either,” he counters, pissed. “You don’t deserve it but you seemed to have just accepted it because you know there’s nothing you can do about it,” he breathes, then, lowly, “You think you don’t deserve having someone to take care of you - not necessarily me, for that matter - to have someone look after you when you’re this drunk and miserable, so is there anything, anything at all you think you deserve? Because personally, I know you deserve a lot of good things, Matsumoto-san. I can name a few if you want me to,”  
  
“Not the same thing and you know it,”  
  
“Maybe not,” he says as he pulls Matsumoto-san in, chest constricting the minute Matsumoto-san allows it, fingers clutching the front of Sho’s jacket tightly before Matsumoto-san is mashing his face into his chest. “But for me they’re all the same. You need someone to stay with you tonight, Matsumoto-san, so let me. You need someone to be there for you, I’m wholeheartedly volunteering myself. I swear I’m not going to leave you,” he promises, “at least not tonight,”  
  
Matsumoto-san doesn’t answer but the way his body shakes against him, the way the front of his shirt is getting increasingly damp with the other man’s tears is enough to make him want to keep holding him, keep him safe and help him gather the pieces of his broken heart so they could mend it together.  
  
He can do it, he will do it; Matsumoto-san just needs enough time to allow him to do it for the other man.  
  
“Stay,” he vaguely hears the word before it is followed by the muffled sounds of Matsumoto-san’s sobs, winding his arms around Matsumoto-san tight, burrowing his face into the other man’s hair.  
  
“I will,” he whispers, holding Matsumoto-san and hoping his presence is enough to keep the other man from falling completely apart. “I will, Matsumoto-san… you don’t even need to ask me that.”


End file.
